Just Some Random Thoughts

Getting a shower soon.  Boyfriend will be done work and I need to be fresh and clean when I see him.  Never know when you're gonna get some so always gotta be prepared!

Drinking some coffee and smoking a cigarette.  Coffee is one of the best inventions ever.  Thank you to the Ethiopians who discovered it like thousands of years ago.

Cant believe it's September already.  This year has gone so fast. Two months until my favorite holiday, Halloween.  Less than three months until gobble day and less than 4 until Christmas. Yikes!

Wish I got paid to be at home.  Need to find a new job since apparently, my boss fired me without telling me.  Awesome.  Fucking prick.  I fucking hate lawyers.  He fucked me over bad.  After getting this job, I lost the cash assistance I got from welfare (which I didn't mind because I hate dealing with those fucks).  But he kept telling me that once September came, I would be on full-time.  So I dropped the classes I was registered for at school.  Now I have no job and it's too late for me to re-register.  So I have no money, no job, no school this semester, and can't get back onto cash assistance without going to some job-search thing that they will make me do.  Fucking cunt.

I got a little wild there. Now I gotta worry about how I'm going to support my two-year-old until I find a new job, which we all know are very hard to come by.  Can't get a job with a lawyer or even as a regular secretary because they all want 2-4 years experience or a bachelor's degree.  Don't wanna go back into the restaurant business because I actually want to see my daughter - don't feel like being at work until 2-3 AM, not getting to bed until 4 then having someone else raise my kid while I'm sleeping during the day.  I'll figure something out though.  I always do.

Metallica - Whiskey in the Jar

Best version of this song that I've ever heard.  Metallica is pretty much the best metal band ever.

One Year

People who know me know that I battled with drugs a few years ago.  I'm not shy about talking about it either.  Back around 2006, I would be in a lot of pain during a certain time of the month.  I would be in so much pain that I could barely get out of bed.  I began to buy Percocets during that one time.  In April of 2007, I started hanging out with some co-workers.  I began to buy the pills more often.  Eventually, one of my co-workers introduced me to OxyContin, or oxies.  I began with them slowly.  One 80 milligram tablet would last me about 4 or 5 days.  As time went on, I was doing them more and more.  Within a few months, I started seeing one of those co-workers.  He lost his job and got locked up.  After he got out of jail three weeks later, we just went on an almost year-long binge (he never got his job back so I bought them for BOTH of us).  My paychecks would vary from $600-1000 every two weeks.  About 9/10 of that money went toward the opiates.  I lost about 50 pounds in not even two months after I began taking them.

In July 2008, my niece got baptized.  After her Christening, where I was her Godmother, my brother started a huge fight with me and in front of family, during her party.  I left the house and went back to my chill spot on the Delaware River.  I sat and thought for a little while and decided to ask a friend if I could move in with her. She lives almost 1000 miles away.  I bought my one-way plane ticket to Florida with my next paycheck.  The ticket was for September 17.

The night before I left, I ran all over my neighborhood like crazy trying to find some pills.  I met up with the co-worker that I had been seeing.  It was my first time seeing him in three weeks.  We were together that night and he came home with me to drop me off (at 6AM; I had a 9AM flight and hadn't even begun to pack).  He came back with me only because I told him that I had gotten a pill but left it at my house.

Three weeks after I got to my new home in bright, sunshiney Florida, I discovered I was pregnant.  After fighting with myself about keeping the baby or not (fighting the decision for about a month), I decided to keep it.  I was set on not keeping the baby.  I had about $700 of the operation cost, which was just under $1000.  Finally, I decided I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I'm pro-choice, I believe that a woman has every right to do what she wants with her body, to a certain degree.  I don't believe in abortion as a form of birth control or past the first trimester.  I'm not turning this into a pro-choice / pro-life thing so I'm gonna stop right there.

Anyway, lo and behold, 9 months later (well, really 8 - my daughter was a week early), I gave birth.  It was the best choice I ever made in my life.  However, for a bit, I couldn't stay away from the painkillers.  I got a prescription for the percs.  They lasted me a week (but I had an emergency C-section and had 14 staples in me).  When my daughter was about two months old, I started with the oxies again.  I began to get a little bad again, but not as bad as I was.  By January 2010, I had stopped taking them.  I didn't touch them until my 25th birthday in April.  After that, I did them the whole summer up until the weekend of August 20.

I haven't touch an opiate since then.  No, I'm lying.  In October, I got very, very sick.  I could barely walk and my entire body swelled up.  It would take me a half an hour to get out of bed.  I had a prescription for the percs.  But it has been just over a year since I have illegally taken an opiate.  I'm very proud of myself.  My daughter just turned 2 in May and she is the most beautiful, amazing thing in the world.  I love her more than words can say.

Garlic Chicken Fried Rice

This is a delicious concoction that I literally...cooked up.  Everyone loves it - my boyfriend, my daughter, mom.  Well, almost everyone.  My dad doesn't like it.  It tastes almost like Chinese chicken fried rice, only better.  The only thing is, you have to play around with the recipe, as I don't really measure anything.

Chicken - 1 to 2 pounds
Brown rice, cooked and cooled
Garlic - 2 to 3 cloves, depending on your garlic tolerance
1 small yellow onion
Soy Sauce
Olive oil

To start, chop the garlic as small as possible.  Chop the onion in 1/2 inch pieces.  Using a small amount of oil, begin to saute.  While sauteing, begin to cut the chicken into small chunks.  Once cut, add to the onion and garlic and cook until done.  Once there is no more pink in the chicken, add the rice.  Fry it up for a few minutes, constantly stirring so it doesn't stick to the pan.  Once rice is thoroughly heated, add soy sauce to your liking.

Besides the cutting part, this recipe is quick, easy, and delicious.  Make sure your rice is completely cooled before adding it or you will just get a sticky mess.  If you want to be creative, add vegetables like broccoli and peppers to make it a complete stir-fry.  I just made this last night but it went before I was able to snap a picture!

East Coast Earthquake and Hurricane Irene

Just before 2PM, I was laying in my bed minding my own business when the bed started to shake.  I thought my brother was in his closet doing whatever dumb shit it is that he does.  I got up and started to get dressed to go yell at him when my entire bedroom started to shake.  I had a million thoughts.  One thought was my house was going to collapse.  Another thought was that my street was being worked on and the workers hit something that made the house shake (almost a month ago, part of my street caved in and workers from PGW [Philadelphia Gas Works] had been fixing it).  I went to open my bedroom window.  Before I did, I saw a neighbor across the street come out of her house and another with his head out the window.  I opened it and heard the little old ladies on the block talking.  I stuck my head out and saw my dad outside and asked him what just happened, as I didn't see any workers there.  He told me it was an earthquake.  I went on Facebook and of course, there were about a hundred statuses talking about the earthquake and the end of the world.  Turns out, a 5.9 magnitude quake hit Virginia and its effects were felt all up and down the eastern coast, stretching as far north as New York, as far south as Georgia and as far west as Illinois.

For a few days, meteorologists have been tracking Hurricane Irene.  Today, they decided to announce that the path of the storm was straight up the eastern seaboard.  Wahoo!  Even though Philly isn't near the ocean, I'm sure we will be effected by it.  I'm not looking forward to the rain but I am looking forward to the science behind it.  These kinds of things fascinate me.  I should really switch my major to science or geography or something like that!

I'm just glad that I was at the shore this past weekend and not this upcoming weekend!

Freedom Isn't Free

Michael Strange, a Philly native, was one of the brave men in Navy Seals Team 6 who died last week in the helicopter that was shot down.  His sacrifice gives people freedom of speech like those in the Westboro Baptist "Church."  They are planning to picket at his funeral.  It is absolutely ridiculous that they are allowed to do this.  That poor family is already going through hard times and to have them at his funeral, holding up signs that say "Thank God for Dead Soldiers" is horrible.  These people deserve to be shot.  I'm Catholic but not an entirely religious person.  God doesn't hate anyone.  God loves.  God forgives.  He doesn't hate 'faggots' or the world.  People say if God existed, bad things wouldn't happen in the world.  There has to be suffering for there to be sorrow.  If there wasn't suffering, the world would be in even more peril.  RIP to the brave souls who have lost their lives while serving our country and ensuring our freedom.  RIP Michael Strange.

Go Phillies Go!

I've been a Phillies phan my entire life.  Since the womb.  I was at my first game when I was like 2 months old.  It sickens me to see all the fake fans that the boys have now that they are basically the best team in baseball...well all the fake fans we've accumulated since winning the Fall Classic back in '08.  These people don't know anything about the team and they barely know anything about the game.  I hate it.  I hate the way baseball is anymore.  I wish I was alive back in the day when pitch count didn't matter and steroids didn't take over the game.  Back when it truly was America's pasttime.  Go Phillies!  By the way, Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame!

Xanax Who??

In five days, it will be a month since I found out I miscarried.  I've tried to keep my head up but it's hard.  I smoked pot a couple times.  Drank a lot of times.  Took some illegal pills.  Did the pot help?  No.  Did the drinking help?  No (but it was fun!).  Did the pills help?  Actually, yes, they did.  I'm not a drug addict.  That's in my past.  Okay, well in all honesty, once an addict, always an addict.  The difference between the past me and the present me?  I can control my urges.  The pills I took were Xanax.  Not only did they keep me calm and relaxed throughout the day, they also kept my panic attacks at bay.  I didn't forget anything that I wouldn't normally forget.  I didn't really get high from them - I wasn't nodding out, I was still able to function 100%.  Okay, maybe like 90%.  But they definitely helped me.  Haven't touched one since Saturday.  Still not back to normal, but what is normal?

Work is okay.  My social life sucks.  My home life sucks.  My boyfriend is awesome (most of the time).  But the number one thing in my life is still my greatest - my daughter.  She makes me happy (usually).  Of course, since she's only two, she drives me insane (then again, don't ALL kids drive you insane no matter what their age is?!).  But she's my heart.  She's the reason I haven't done anything serious to myself.  And I've had some serious thoughts.  Bad thoughts.  They come and go.  I should really get back to my therapy sessions.  Yes, I definitely should.

Woah, Woah, Woah, Woah Those Wildwood Days!

My daughter is going to the shore tomorrow with the other side of her family for the week.  I won't see my princess until Thursday.  I love the shore, especially Wildwood!  I've been going to this barrier island in New Jersey for as long as I can remember.  It is a big tourist spot for us Philly people, Canadians, and one other place that I forget where.  They have the best rides!  All the best rides are here (minus the awesome Haunted House and Haunted Boats and the Golden Nugget!) - the Great Nor'Easter, the Sea Serpent, the Great White, the Flitzer, the log flume...I could go on and on!  And the beach!  It's big but its great!  Sam's Pizza, Curley's Fries, Douglass Fudge!  My stomach growled just thinking about all that.  I'm thinking about it so much, I can smell it - the ocean and beach and food.  I just want to go down tomorrow, go to sleep on the beach for a little bit (lathered up in baby oil - don't lecture me about suncreen!), wake up and clean off then take a walk on the 2-mile boardwalk, eat, and go on rides!  I love it so much down there!  I would definitely move there.  It's great!  Oh, and "Watch the TramCar please!"

Avenged Sevenfold - Seize the Day

This is such an amazing song and video.  I cry though every time I see it.  Seize the day because you never know what's going to happen in life.

Tastykakes!

If you are fortunate enough to live in Philly or it's surrounding areas, you are fortunate enough to have experienced the delicious taste of Tastykakes (I sound like a commercial - talk about free promotion!).  If you have never had a Tastykake, I feel sorry for you.  Peanut Butter Tandy Kakes, Jelly Krimpets, Tasty Klair Pie.  They just came out with a limited edition pie, Pineapple and Cheese (basically a gooey, delicious pineapple cheesecake).  I remember when the krimpets actually had jelly in them and the tandy kakes had a lot of peanut butter.  Definitely skimp now but still delicious, especially the tandy kakes, my favorite.  What I'm really pissed about though is the fact that they don't make Tasty Klair Pies in the summer.  I'm dying for one right now!

How To Beat the Summer Heat

We are having our worst heatwave of the summer thus far in Philly.  This weekend, temperatures are expected to exceed 100 degrees.  I normally love the heat but this summer, I'm just not feeling it.  Maybe it's because I've been stuck in a cold office the whole season and haven't gotten to enjoy a single day in the sun (hence my pale ass white skin which is usually a nice bronze by this time of year).  Here's some tips on surviving through these desert-like conditions.  (This website also has some interesting ideas: Top Ten Ways To Beat the Summer Heat)

• Go swimming - or if you live here and are ghetto, turn the fire hydrant on.  Avoid public pools that are likely to be filled with a bunch of kids' piss.
• Enjoy some water ice - if you don't live in Philly, this sounds like a contradiction: water and ice?  Think if it as what other places call Italian ice, only real, freshly scooped Philly water ice is two hundred times better than those little frozen containers you buy at the supermarket
• Buy one of those spray bottles with the battery-operated fan (I could think of something better to use those batteries in though...)
• Walk around the mall - free air conditioner
• Sit under the air conditioner in your home.  Better yet, turn the AC on full blast and work up a sweat getting randy in bed
• Sit outside and work on your tan but keep your feet in a bucket of cold water.  Granted, in heat like this you will probably have to change the water every ten minutes or so or it may just boil up on you, turning your feet into boiled hot dogs
• Go to a museum - they can be fun (and I'm sure perverts like me could think of a way to make a museum trip even more fun!)

Stay cool everyone!  Add your own tips to avoid heat exhaustion like poor Doc Halladay did in the Phillies game in Chicago yesterday!

I Will Never Hold You, Kiss You, or Hug You, But I Will Always Love You

To the little one that I just lost and will never get a chance to hold, kiss, hug, see their smile, or hear their laugh.

What Makes A Mother?
Author Unknown
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked, "What makes a mother?" and I know I heard Him say,
A mother has a baby, this we know is true,
But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime, others for a day,
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this, Lord, I want my baby here!
He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear,
I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free,
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day,
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay,
I stroke her hair, and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.' "
So you see, my dear sweet one, your child is okay,
Your baby is here in my home, and this is where they'll stay.
Your baby will wait for you with me, until your lesson's through,
And on the day I call you home, they'll be at the gate for you
So now you know what makes a mother
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have,
And you are a special mom.

This is a beautiful poem.  It hurts so much to lose the life that is growing inside you.  My niece asked me today if my baby was out of my tummy and I cried instantly.  She doesn't understand, she's only four.  My mom told her that we don't talk about things like that.  I don't know how I'm going to get over this.  I have my beautiful two-year-old daughter and I wanted her to be a big sister.  She would have been good at it.  I always say that everything happens for a reason.  The only thing I ponder is what's the reason for this?  RIP dear one, I will always love you.

A Sad Goodbye

I found out some bad news on Friday.  It devastated me.  I had an ultrasound to get the viability and estimated dates.  Unfortunately, I found out that I miscarried.

Christmas in July

Lots of people could use condoms.  Or cookies.  You're probably thinking, "What the fuck?! It's July!"  It's never too early to start getting ready for Christmas.  Shit, I'd start getting ready for it in January if I had the energy to.  I like to start in the summer.  I have a nice sized family so why am I going to wait until December?  I did that last year - BIG fucking mistake!  For anyone who wants to start, here is a list of small things for stockings that you can spend your hard-earned money on that you can buy throughout the year and stash away in a shoebox until the big December 25 comes.  Is it for a guy or a girl?  A kid or an adult?  Use your best judgment and figure it out for yourself.  Did I miss anything?

Address/date book
Bath salts and spa items
Book embosser
Bookmark
Candles
Cards
Chocolate, candy, cookies
Gift cards
Ornaments
Picture frames
Lip gloss, other makeup
Nail polish
Nail files, clippers
Necklaces, bracelets
Hair stuff
Body wash, lotion
Lottery tickets
Homemade coupon book
Bubble bath
Tylenol
Hand sanitizer
Gum
Stickers
Name magnets, keychains
Cookie cutters
Glow sticks
Gum
Lube
Condoms
Pocket Vibrators
Stamps

Go ahead and stuff those stockings then hang 'em to dry!

Steak Butter

By the way, just felt like writing this.  An awesome topping for steak, especially a New York Strip?  Melt down a stick of butter in the microwave then mix in seasons of your choice - garlic powder, onion powder, pepper, Cajun seasoning.  Play around with it.  Then put it in the fridge until the butter hardens up again.  When ready to serve, use a mini ice-cream scooper (and I mean mini) and place it on top of your hot steak.  Delicious.  Dammit, now I want some steak...

The Road to Success is Always Under Construction

I'm hungry and I have to pee but I'm too lazy to get up and go downstairs to go to the bathroom and to the kitchen.  Hell, who wants to walk back up two flights of stairs anyway?!  It's 2:30 AM and I'm still awake - nothing new.  I was pretty tired earlier but my daughter decided not to go to bed (again) and was up until almost 1.  Fun.  Every time I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour and every time I have to wake up early she does this.  I think she does it on purpose.  I have a therapy appointment at 10 then an ultrasound scheduled for 12 and after that, I have to go to CCIS to take care of my child care stuff.  Jimmy and I are taking the babes to the zoo afterwards, not that she deserves it after tonight.  Terrible Twos?  She hit those over a year ago, when she turned one.

I know it's only July (only?!) but the holidays are coming!  Eek!  At least I'll only be 7 months pregnant then and won't have to worry about buying gifts for another child until next year.  My mom told me my whole life that time flies as you get older.  I never believed her.  At least I started to get ahead.  Got my daughter, niece, and nephew each a cute little suitcase.  I got the girls Disney princess and my nephew Cars (it's actually shaped like a car!).  I put together a stocking stuffer list since that is so easy to do for everyone and it's always good to have some extras for those last-minute gifts that you forgot (or unexpected guests).  Start buying more stuff with my next pay...or maybe the one after since my next one is going to completely suck.

I wanna make some brownies.  But it's 2:35 in the morning so I think I'll pass on that.

Due date!  February 26.  It's so fucking far!  No alcohol for me on New Years.  Boo!  St. Paddy's Day, I'll really be looking forward to you!

I want some Cherry Coke but it's all gone.  Maybe I will take that trip downstairs.  The hunger passed but I'm fucking thirsty!!  Well, better go before I piss myself.

Oh, Baby!

The past few months have been extremely crazy!  After my last post in March, Jimmy and I started to see each other.  A week after we met, he took me out to dinner and we had a great time, got to know each other a bit.  We've been together ever since.

I never got back on trace with my school stuff during that semester.  I wound up going from averaging 4 A's to only having a 3.0 GPA for the semester.  Not my greatest stuff.  I was very disappointed in myself.  Some things happened at the end of the semester that really threw me off.

Sometime in the beginning of April, I started working.  My mom gave me a phone number for a lawyer who was in need of help at his firm.  I've been there since.  I love it.  He mostly does landlord-tenant stuff so I'm learning a lot about LT laws.  The only thing that's gonna suck is when February gets here and I need to take a few weeks off.

I'm in my second-to-last semester at CCP.  Well, I'm in a half of a semester (summer classes are broken down to two classes each summer session).  I only have three more class meetings until the first half is over (taking Educational Psychology and Macroeconomics).  I'll have like ten or eleven days off between summer sessions then I'll be back taking Spanish and a humanities elective.  Then I just have the fall semester where I'm taking Education 202 (experience class - I will have to actually spend time in a school!), Biology, Child Psychology, and probability math (NOT looking forward to that!).  Come December, I'll be finished there and moving onto a four-year school!  The only thing is, my first semester at whichever school I attend will probably be online.  Just like with work, I'm gonna need some time off come February.

So onto the big news.  Jimmy and I are currently looking for a house.  One reason is because we both want to get out of our parents house.  Another reason is we just want to be together, like a happy little family: me, him, Mollyanne, and our baby, who is due around February 22.  I found out that I was pregnant a little more than a week ago.  Since the doctor will determine the due date based on my LMP, I am about 5 weeks right now (even though I'm not anymore than three weeks at the most).  I had a feeling I was pregnant.  The way I was feeling was the same way I felt when I was in the beginning stages of my pregnancy with Mollyanne - extreme exhaustion, sore boobs, craving fast food (with Molly, it was cheeseburgers; this time around it's cheeseburgers and chicken quesadillas).  The symptoms are a little bit more intense but not much.  I have been having a lot of heartburn.  I've been feeling nauseous, which with the first time, I didn't experience it.  I haven't gotten sick, just had the feeling.  The feeling that I was pregnant began on June 12, so I took a test, even though my period wasn't due until that Thursday, the 16th.  There wasn't enough of the pregnancy hormone for the test to pick up on so it came out negative.  Friday, I didn't have my period.  I had an extra test from when I bought them Sunday.  It came up positive.  Jimmy and I were going out to dinner that night.  When he picked me up, I told him the news.  We went to CVS and got more tests because the positive sign was very faint.  The second test I took was invalid.  So I took the third.  Positive.

I announced the news to only a few people.  I can't hold it in any longer.  Our parents know and a few other people.  I can't hold it in any longer.  I have my first doctor's appointment on July 12.  We should be able to hear the heartbeat, which honestly, I kinda hope we don't so I can get an ultrasound!  When I had my first appointment with Molly, the doctor couldn't find her heartbeat so she sent me for the ultrasound.  We're both happy.  I had mixed feelings about the pregnancy at first but now, it's exciting!  We've already discussed names.  I don't care what it is, boy or girl, and I don't think Jimmy cares either (though he's been saying 'him' and 'son').  We're gonna be parents and Mollyanne is going to be a big sister!

It's Me!

As I begin to type, it's almost 11:30 at night.  It's a beautiful night, weather-wise.  It's 71 degrees right now.  Today's high was like 80.  But a just a tease. Tomorrow, it's only going up to 60 and rain.  Fun.  The 50's and 60's are going to prevail a bit longer.  I just hope that it's out of Mother Nature's system by my birthday at the end of the month.

After I'm finished typing this and spending countless hours on the computer, I am going to make a cup of coffee and take a shower.  Gotta prepare for a long night.  I've procrastinated so much since spring break and I have a project due in my 11 AM education class that I haven't even started yet.  I'm gonna have a good night! Oh, and I have an outline due for a 4-7 page paper due Wednesday in anthropology that I just minimally started.  It's not like me!  I hate spring break.  I'll finish up with an associate's degree in December.  Where to go next?  Temple?  Holy Family?  My anthropology professor suggested that, with my GPA, I should consider going to Villanova.  Decisions, decisions.

Avenged Sevonfold - Unholy Confessions

What a Past Few Weeks!

So I had fun not doing the Shamrock Shuttle. Lots of fun! The next weekend was a weekend full of Irish festivities.  Saturday, the 12th, my mom's best friend had a little party at her house.  My daughter enjoyed herself (most of the time), especially when she thought she was drinking my beer! I also decided that Miller Lite tastes like shit out of a can.  The next day was the St. Paddy's Day Parade (it's always the Sunday before St. Pat's here but if St. Pat's falls ON a Sunday, it's that day and if Palm Sunday happens to fall that Sunday before the big day, the parade is the week before..not that any of that matters).  It was fun but cold! The group I march with doesn't do anything special, we just have a truck that plays music that we follow.  It's a good time.  We won the Joseph E. Montgomery Award for Outstanding AOH / LAOH Division.

Saint Patrick's Day arrived!  I wore a shirt that I had made the day before with a pair of tight, hot jeans.  I had plans to go to a bar down by my school to see a couple of bands play.  One of my best friends from high school, Will, came with me.  He went to a show with me before, a couple months ago.  We went and had a great time.  Crazy time for me.  I brought the last of my 100 proof Southern Comfort with me to pregame on the bus ride (it was just like being back in high school!).  So I had a nice little buzz when I got there.  We missed the first band.  They started before we got there and Will and I stayed downstairs until the Flyers game was over.  Will and I smoked and bullshitted with some of the guys in the band.  The second band was pretty good.  One of the bands I went to see went on third.  They were pretty good.  I think it was probably only like the third time I actually wasn't running off with someone while they were playing so I haven't actually listened to them that much.  I don't really remember the fourth band, the other band that I was there to see.  I remember them playing their last song because it's my favorite of theirs.

Obviously, since I don't even remember the band I was there to see, I have quite a few blackout moments.  There was a fight between a two guys from the two bands I went out for.  I remember someone laying on the floor but I didn't know what happened.  I have bruises all over me.  I have a huge cut on my ass.  I left my camera at the bar.  I left my cell phone in the cab.  Always fun.  I missed my midterm for Anthropology the next day (but I'm a good actress so my teacher is going to let me make it up at the end of the term).  I was hungover.

Saturday, a friend that I haven't seen in a year, Kimi, had a St. Paddy's party.  She invited me the week before.  I was going to take the baby with me but her grandmother called me that afternoon to ask if she could take her overnight.  Kim had told me that her fiancee, Jim, had a friend who was going and asked if he had any single girls coming to the party, and he mentioned me.  I looked cute that night.  Pair of jeans that were about 2 sizes too big and a green tube top with a black zipper-up tee shirt.  Put my hair in pigtails and clipped big, sparkly shamrocks to them.  Kimi picked me up, and on the way, picked up her friend Amy.  There were a bunch of guys when we got to Jim's house - well, all guys.  Us girls hung out for a bit, drank a bit.  A cute guy came in.  Kim, Amy, and I went out for a smoke.  While we were out there, Kim talked about the cute guy that came in.  He was her fiancee's friend, whose name was also Jim (but we'll call him Jimmy).  We started talking not too long after.  I don't know how, or with who, but a conversation about wrestling started.  Jim brought out his WWE title belt! I was happy with that!  Posed for pictures with it (can't wait to see those!), wore it to 7-11.  Fun.  When we got back from 7-11, the Jimmy and I started making out in the foyer (Kim opened the door and took a picture).  Around 3, most people either left or were passed out on the couches.  Kim, Jimmy, and I were the only ones up.  It wasn't much past 4 when I decided to go to bed.  Jimmy came with me.  I think we were up until about 6.

He's texted me and called me since.  That's a shocker.  He even picked me up yesterday after an appointment I had and drove me home.  I like him.  But read my previous post.  I just don't know.

I'm Irish Everyday, Not Just March 17...

...but more on that and my two weeks of celebrating later.  Got a few things to do but I had some thoughts in my head and just felt like coming on here to rant about those thoughts and feelings.  Some of my St. Paddy's celebrations fall into how I am feeling right now because I met someone.  I saw him earlier today and it got the wheels in my head to turn.  So I decided to pop on a podcast, 'Jay and Silent Bob Get Old' (funniest fucking thing!!) while typing this and having a few puffs of that illegal stuff.

I haven't been in a relationship in two and a half years, since I was with my daughter's father before I moved to Florida (the relationship ended August, 2008...I got pregnant the next month by him, the night before I left for the Sunshine State :\).  The past year or so, I've been so against relationships.  I've been saying I don't have time for one between the baby and going to school, and I just don't want a relationship at this point in my life.  I've never been a single girl who goes out and has fun.  I was only in two relationships in my life for a total of about four years (just under three for one and about one for the other), from the time I was 19 until I was 23.  I'm now about to turn 26.

The past couple months, I've been going out and enjoying being a hot, single mom.  I've met people, some I liked, some I didn't.  Some I hooked up with, some I didn't ('hookup' not necessarily meaning sex).  Some liked me.  A lot.  But I pushed them all away.

Why?  That's the only thing I'm asking myself.  I don't get it.  I don't want a relationship but at the same time, I miss the warmth, the companionship, the love, and the support of having a significant other.  I don't want to be tied down, but it's possible that I need someone to tame me.  I want to go out and be crazy and wild but I want to go home and lay down with someone's warm arms around me.  If I go out and someone is out, I want to have fun with him without feeling guilty.  I don't know what I want anymore.  I just don't know.

A Thought Before Bed

No one knows me. Not really. I've discovered so much about myself the past 6 months or so, things I never even knew. It's so crazy to think that I am almost 26 years old and don't even know everything about my own self. If I don't even know my own soul, my own body, my own mind, how can anyone else say they know me? No one can. No one but God. I'm such a different person now than I was ten, five, two, even one year ago. I continue to grow and change every day and I love it.

Made this out of pure boredom...hopefully I'll make more!

Almost Spring Break!

Just had my first midterm.  Have a quiz later in geography (should be an easy 100) and tomorrow I have a math test.  I was worried about the math test but when the teacher did the review yesterday, the stuff I didn't understand just seemed to click! So that should be an A.  After that test, I'm done school until the 14th.  Looking forward to the Shamrock Shuttle on Saturday - if I can make it.  I was originally supposed to go with my best friend but she stopped talking to me.  Then I made plans with my brother's girlfriend.  I don't know what's gonna happen with her now - she just found out she's pregnant and is planning an abortion.  I'll find someone to go with, someway, somehow.  I have over 500 friends on Facebook so it shouldn't be too hard...should it?

Awesome video from a GOOD local Philly band

Without You in my Life by Perception of Reality. These guys are great and put on a great show! I was at both shows that were recorded for this video and both times (like every time) were some fun ass nights!

Awesome Song - Avenged Sevenfold: Clairvoyant Disease

I never did acid so why do I have crazy dreams?

My daughter woke me up at 5:30 AM. She wanted to watch the Little Mermaid.  She kept asking for Ariel.  So I put the movie on, went pee, smoked a cigarette, and layed back down.  The baby was watching the movie, clapping her little hands.  I drifted off back to sleep (so did she).  I had the weirdest fucking dream.  In real life, I am on medication.  I'm on Paxil and Buspar for panic attacks and I'm on the pill.  I'm also on antibiotics right now for an ear infection.  I haven't felt the need to take the panic medication the past few days and I always forget to take the pill.  In my dream, my doctor was coming to my house and I had to take all the medication I missed.  For some reason, my brother had an OxyContin pill and I stole it from him (I had an addiction a couple years ago).  I was in my bedroom, about to crush up the Oxy to snort it, and I was about to swallow all of my back doses that I had missed when I decided to look out of my bedroom window.  On the wires right outside of my window, were about 10 enormous horse heads.  Don't ask me.  They were moving along the wire.  I looked down into the street and there was a horse and carriage coming up.  The horse looked up, saw the horse heads, and freaked out.  I leaned against my bedroom window and it fell out; I fell with it.  The window landed way before I did, right in front of the freaked-out horse.  I can't remember if I landed or if I was about to land when I woke up. What the fuck is that dream supposed to mean?!?!

Dull, Boring Weekend

Didn't get to do anything this weekend. Had no one to go out with Friday and babysat Saturday. Today, I spent the day with my daughter. Looking forward to the Shamrock Shuttle! I'm going with my brother's girlfriend even though I'm not crazy over her. Maybe I'll run into someone I know and be able to ditch her...or I can always make new friends!  Back to class tomorrow morning. Don't wanna go. But I'll be looking forward to my next adventures out: Shamrock Shuttle on the 5th, a Perception of Reality and Fight the Brave show on St. Pat's and Perception of Reality featured in the final round of a Battle of the Bands on my birthday weekend. Should be some fun times. All of these events are places I'd be going with if I still talked to my best friend but she chose other things over me. Sucks but what can you do? I did what I could. She can't be helped if she doesn't want to be. Wonder if I'll run into her on the Shuttle (we were supposed to go on it together) or at the St. Patty's show (we've known about it for over a month already). We saw each other last week but neither of us said anything to the other. We both wiped tears away before our makeup smeared...

Goodbye for now.

Kim