Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm Irish Everyday, Not Just March 17...

...but more on that and my two weeks of celebrating later.  Got a few things to do but I had some thoughts in my head and just felt like coming on here to rant about those thoughts and feelings.  Some of my St. Paddy's celebrations fall into how I am feeling right now because I met someone.  I saw him earlier today and it got the wheels in my head to turn.  So I decided to pop on a podcast, 'Jay and Silent Bob Get Old' (funniest fucking thing!!) while typing this and having a few puffs of that illegal stuff.

I haven't been in a relationship in two and a half years, since I was with my daughter's father before I moved to Florida (the relationship ended August, 2008...I got pregnant the next month by him, the night before I left for the Sunshine State :\).  The past year or so, I've been so against relationships.  I've been saying I don't have time for one between the baby and going to school, and I just don't want a relationship at this point in my life.  I've never been a single girl who goes out and has fun.  I was only in two relationships in my life for a total of about four years (just under three for one and about one for the other), from the time I was 19 until I was 23.  I'm now about to turn 26.

The past couple months, I've been going out and enjoying being a hot, single mom.  I've met people, some I liked, some I didn't.  Some I hooked up with, some I didn't ('hookup' not necessarily meaning sex).  Some liked me.  A lot.  But I pushed them all away.

Why?  That's the only thing I'm asking myself.  I don't get it.  I don't want a relationship but at the same time, I miss the warmth, the companionship, the love, and the support of having a significant other.  I don't want to be tied down, but it's possible that I need someone to tame me.  I want to go out and be crazy and wild but I want to go home and lay down with someone's warm arms around me.  If I go out and someone is out, I want to have fun with him without feeling guilty.  I don't know what I want anymore.  I just don't know.

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