Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Xanax Who??

In five days, it will be a month since I found out I miscarried.  I've tried to keep my head up but it's hard.  I smoked pot a couple times.  Drank a lot of times.  Took some illegal pills.  Did the pot help?  No.  Did the drinking help?  No (but it was fun!).  Did the pills help?  Actually, yes, they did.  I'm not a drug addict.  That's in my past.  Okay, well in all honesty, once an addict, always an addict.  The difference between the past me and the present me?  I can control my urges.  The pills I took were Xanax.  Not only did they keep me calm and relaxed throughout the day, they also kept my panic attacks at bay.  I didn't forget anything that I wouldn't normally forget.  I didn't really get high from them - I wasn't nodding out, I was still able to function 100%.  Okay, maybe like 90%.  But they definitely helped me.  Haven't touched one since Saturday.  Still not back to normal, but what is normal?

Work is okay.  My social life sucks.  My home life sucks.  My boyfriend is awesome (most of the time).  But the number one thing in my life is still my greatest - my daughter.  She makes me happy (usually).  Of course, since she's only two, she drives me insane (then again, don't ALL kids drive you insane no matter what their age is?!).  But she's my heart.  She's the reason I haven't done anything serious to myself.  And I've had some serious thoughts.  Bad thoughts.  They come and go.  I should really get back to my therapy sessions.  Yes, I definitely should.

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